When my son refused to wear a jacket on a cool, rainy day in fifth grade, I pointed out to him that if he chose not to wear a jacket, he might feel cold and wet. If he chose to wear a jacket, he could always take it off if the rain stopped or if he got too warm. And then I allowed him to make his own choice, and to experience the consequences of his choice. I believe that children must be allowed to make some of their own choices and that people learn from making mistakes.

When deciding what choices to allow your children to make, you need to ask yourself, “What’s the worst that can happen?” I believed that the worst that could happen to my son is that he would be cold, wet, and uncomfortable. I could live with that – I was warm, dry, and comfortable because I made a better choice than he did. I also believed that my son was smart enough to learn from his mistake…if indeed he felt it was a mistake.

When I ask parents what’s the worst that can happen if their child does not wear a jacket, I always hear “My child will catch a cold”. Today I found an article that supports my answer of “No, they won’t!” Children’s Health at EverydayHeath.com says “bad weather does not cause colds” and indeed, “cold weather appears to activate the immune system”, actually boosting your child’s ability to fight off a cold.

So this fall, let your child to leave their jacket at home if they make that choice, allow your child to discover for themselves if that was a good choice or bad, and rest assured that the worst that can happen is not so bad after all!

A FAMILY TRAGEDY

In wake of murder-suicide children need candid answers

By Emily Richmond

Palo Alto Daily News Staff (1997)

Palo Alto parents should provide their children with candid answers to questions about the apparent murder-suicide of a J.S. Stanford Middle School student and his parents, a grief counselor said yesterday. Susan Stone, who heads the trauma response unit of Family Service Mid-Peninsula, said parents should be prepared for their children’s grief and fear. “It’s normal for children to be scared and look to their parents for answers,” Stone told the Daily News. “Parents need to listen to their kids and validate their feelings. And parents shouldn’t be afraid to bring the subject up.”

Stabbed

The bodies of Elena Fedotova, 38, Vladimir Pokhilko, 44, and their son Peter Pokhilko, 12, were found inside their Ferne Avenue home Tuesday at about 3:30 p.m. Peter and his mother were stabbed to death and Pokhilko died after apparently slashing his own throat, police said yesterday.

“This type of tragedy makes us all rethink our own mortality, even if we didn’t personally know the people involved.” –Susan Stone

Outside the crime scene Tuesday, an 11-year-old boy asked a police officer if there was “lots of blood” inside the house. Stone said this is a typical reaction from younger children. “When children think of someone who’s dead, they’re usually scared of the blood,” said Stone. “Parents need to address those fears openly and honestly.” The first step, said Stone, is to put the event in context. “Parents need to emphasize that this is a really unusual event, and not something that should ever happen,” said Stone. “The children’s fears are likely increased because this is something so unfamiliar and involves a parent doing harm to their own child.”

Violence real

Even older children and teenagers can have difficulty dealing with the shocking details, said Stone. “To a certain extent, older children are desensitized to media violence on television and in movies,” said Stone. But she said that Tuesday’s murder brought home the violence to youngsters. “(The) violence became real to some kids for whom it had never been real before. And there’s no way you can become desensitized to that,” said Stone. Police have their own debriefing programs and trauma counselors, said Stone, who frequently visits companies and work sites after an accidental death or suicide. Stone was called to Great America amusement park in Santa Clara two weeks ago following the death of a park visitor killed when he tried to retrieve his baseball cap from underneath a roller coaster. Grief counselors were on hand yesterday at JLS. Peter’s teachers and classmates recalled him as an excellent student and talented artist. His classmate Peter Stepanov said his friend enjoyed fishing, math, and taking his basset hound, Holmes, for walks. “Talking about a person and remembering them is an important part of the grief process,” said Stone. “It’s essential that people have an outlet for their feelings and someone to listen.”

Hotlines can help

Anyone needing help–not just parents and children–can call Family Service Mid-Peninsula’s hotlines, said Stone. “I imagine we’ll have more calls to the hotlines once the house is closed and police leave,” said Stone. “When the action settles down is usually when it begins to sink in.” Parents should watch their children for changes in sleeping or eating habits, excessive crying or sudden fears, such as a refusal to walk to school alone or sleeping with the lights on. Adults may also find themselves experiencing delayed reaction to the trauma, said Stone. “It’s normal for people to wake up one morning a few weeks from now feeling a little weepy.” said Stone.